“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
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Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.