[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Match dot com, but for socks.
That earthquake could have been an email.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.