So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
![]()
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
![]()
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
The French cow says MEUX…
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
When life hands you women, make women laid.