i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
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what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose