You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
just witnessed a drug deal