You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
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Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”