“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
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Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”