i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
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Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
And then there were 4
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside