i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
#inspiration #foodforthought
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.