I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
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Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing