Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
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Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
reviewed some movies recently
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password