Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
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ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Perfection.
Ferrari squats
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.