“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
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forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!