@minnie_in_pink7

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

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@breeinthestee

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

@EndhooS

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

@jzux

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

@TopherKearby

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

@DirtMcTurd

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

@prettysadmostly

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

@kelkulus

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

@dafloydsta

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

@bobvulfov

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―