The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
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My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?