[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
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If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
*3.5 thank you very much.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Whoa 😂
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
More like Kate Missington.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion