I remember when yoga was called Twister.
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[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
CUTE CAT‼︎
If a snake ate a cake
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.