New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
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If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
IT’S-A ME,
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter