I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
You Might Also Like
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line