Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…