Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
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Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.