Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
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Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier