Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.