Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
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A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
be careful
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Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
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couldn’t resist
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Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.