Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*