A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
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When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
So that’s what we looked like?
my favorite genre of twitter
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it