It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Always 🥴
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
consequences, the bane of my existence
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.