Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
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She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa