daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
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I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.