The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
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“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh