Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
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Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…