I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
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If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
me irl
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”