3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
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Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
What fresh Hell is this?!?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I would move hell over six inches for you