Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
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So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.