Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
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USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that