I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Beware…..
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies