5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
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women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.