“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
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You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.