[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
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Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.