I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
mom had nothing to worry about
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.