My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
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The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
.. do you even science?
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys