Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
You Might Also Like
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
You can’t outrun your problems…
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
sistine chapel
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.