We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
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I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Banana is the quietest snack
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.