Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
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Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.