a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
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Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea