I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
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Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”