Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
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Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Feel. He’s so soft.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job