Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
You Might Also Like
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
🙅🏻