NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
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14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
This headline is a thing of beauty
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)