Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
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[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.