I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
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Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
A classic…
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels