@LoveNLunchmeat

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

@Paxochka

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

@liljonlovitz

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

@stevevsninjas

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

@EndhooS

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

@Rollmaninoz

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

@SteveSuckington

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

@scarebro

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

@whatsJo

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.