My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
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Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!