doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
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*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00